I have been plagued by a sense of insignificance and it is wearing at my bones. If it were a fire, things might be better, but instead it is a waft of air, a tiny flake in the wind, a sweater that doesn't fit right. Something brushing up against me when I have let my guards down just a little. When I am not thinking of work or dinner or showering or exercising, this niggle starts to wiggle its way into my heart.
I believe that we all want to be remembered. I came into this world wanting to make a difference and I traveled and I watched and I listened, thinking that it was all fuel for my fire. But now I am home and I am making a home, and I can see the life of a wife, mother, grandmother laid out in front of me.
These are things I want. But I also want to make a difference. I also want to be remembered beyond apple pies and lullabies. My life is good and fine and mostly beautiful. And that just isn't enough these days. I want my life to be exquisite and memorable. I want me life to be a blimp on the lifeline of mankind. I want it to be a spark, a flame, a bottle rocket where there was none before.
But instead I sit here. I drink wine and I write about the cake I made. I make up excuses like my lack of funds, or my unwillingness to embarrass my family. Does insignificance ever show its twisted face at your door? Do you also wonder whether to let it in and entertain him, for hopes that he might spark some sort of fire? Or do you cautiously close the door on him, knowing nothing good can come from an unsettled heart?
But however insignificant it is, I hope you make this cake. It is warming and sugary, and makes use of those cranberries that may have been staring you down.
This recipe is almost exactly the one in "Chez Panisse Fruits" with a few minor alterations.
Cranberry Upside Down Cake
4 Tablespoons unsalted butter
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp almond extract
2 3/4 cup cranberries
Juice of one orange
1 1/2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
4 oz (1 stick) butter
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 eggs separated
1/2 cup whole milk
1/4 tsp cream of tarter
Use a 9 in round cake pan. Combine the butter and brown sugar in the cake pan and set on your stove. Heat and stir until the mixture begins to turn darker brown and caramelize. Add the almond extract and remove from heat. Let cool then add the cranberries. I suggest 2 3/4 cups, but really just enough to cover the bottom and you can fake it either way. Drizzle the orange juice over the top.
Combine your flour, baking powder and salt. Cream the butter and sugar until pale and fluffy. Add the egg yolks, scraping down the bowl to make sure that it is all incorporated. Add the vanilla extract. Now, add the flour then milk, alternating in two batches. (Add half the flour, then half the milk; repeat). Whip the egg whites with the cream of tarter until they form stiff peaks. Fold half the egg whites into the batter, then the rest. Remember to be gentle but firm when folding the egg whites in. You don't want to over mix the batter, but you also don't want to be a sissy and not incorporate it all.
Pour this over the cranberries into your pan.
Bake at 375 for 50-60 min. The top will be browner and you want the middle to feel firm. The cake will also start to pull away from the sides of the pan.
Remove from oven and let cool for 10 min. You don't want to let it cool too long or else the cranberries will endlessly stick to the pan. But don't flip it over too soon, or you will have a hot gooey mess in your kitchen.
Serve with lightly sweetened whipping cream flavored with a little orange or almond liqueur.
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